Draco Malfoy discovers Muggle technology
by sailor-elsa
Summary: NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Draco discovers muggle prouducts, with the help of Hermione and Harry. crack!fic
1. Draco discovers Cellphones

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER THE BOOKS OR THE MOVIES :) **

**Warnings: Language, AU. **

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><p><strong>REMEMBER THIS AU! <strong>

_Draco Malfoy discovers cellphones. _

Draco Malfoy couldn't tell you why he was here; Potter and that bushy mudblood forced him to come. they claimed he needed to get in touch with his inner muggle. Why the hell did he need to get in touch with his inner muggle? He was a pureblood for Merlin sakes! He didn't even have muggle in him! Just wait father heard about this...

Anyways, Mudbloo- Hermione and Potte- Harry claimed he was too creul! How was he being too creul; everybody loved him! He was as sweet as can be to everybody. But despite his protest, he was letting Hermione and Harry teach him.

"This is a cellphone." Hermione said slowly; she set the object gently in Draco's hand. Draco examined it, it had a small screen and a key-board like thingy with numbers, and letters. He put it upside down and frowned. "What do I do with this monstrosity?" He asked.

"You can call someone, or text." Harry explained.

"Text? What the bloody hell is that?" He asked.

"Like sending a message..." Hermione explained, biting back a giggle.

"...that's what we have owls for." Draco snapped.

"Muggles don't use owls." Harry snickered.

"Fine, how do I use it." Draco looked at it disgustedly.

"Let me call someone for you," Hermione smirked. She took the phone out of Draco's hands and dialed a number; she put it on speaker phone and handed it back to Draco. There was this ringing sound and Draco's eyes widened. Suddenly there was a voice. "Hello?" It sounded like an old man.

"WHAT THE HELL, IS THIS?" Draco screeched, he threw down the phone and pulled out his wand. "Is it some kind of prison; you trapped someone inside there?" Draco was frantic. "Don't worry I'll save you!" He yelled to the old man.

"Is this a prank call?" The voice asked.

"No this is Draco Malfoy." Draco informed.

Harry was practically rolling on the floor and Hermione was trying to reason with Draco.

"I don't like prank calls." The old man grumbled.

"This isn't prank call, this is Draco Malfoy!" Draco yelled. He pulled out his wand and yelled _Avada Kadvra! _The voice was cut off and the phone fell to peices. Hermione and Harry stared dumbfounded.

"That was my cellphone..." Hermione whispered, "and my grandfather."

"That was bloody hilarous." Harry clapped.

"Be free... be free." Draco whispered to the now smoking phone.

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><p><em>Lol <em>


	2. Draco Discovers Televison

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter :D **

_So thanks for the positive reviews! _

_Again, this isn't supposed to be taken seriously. It's AU :) _

_ Thanks to Katniss Everdeen x _

_She gave me the idea for Draco to discover the wonders of television; and we kinda came up with the idea of Draco discovering muggle technology in the first place. _

_Also, Hermione's grandfather wasn't harmed when Draco broke the phone. Hermione's only without a cellphone, not a grandfather. And I'm sure after the predicament Hermione went and bought a new phone. _

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><p><em>Draco Malfoy Discovers Televison <em>

Hermione had fun explaining to her parents why her phone was blasted to oblivion. When her parents asked how her answer was simply: "It's a wizard problem." Her parents tried to stay out of that territory after one particularly odd visit to Diagon Alley. Anways, despite Draco murdering her phone she was still determined to teach him the way of a muggle. Even if that meant him destroying everything she owned.

This time her mission to teach Draco the ways of a muggle, took them to the muggle world. Actually, it took them to her house. Her parents were at work so they could do what they pleased and leave.

Draco sat solemly on her couch; every now and then he would say something snarky. "These muggle houses are so simple; nothing like the Malfoy Manor." He scowled.

"I think we should teach him about duct tape Hermione." Harry mumbled.

Draco raised an eyebrow, "What's that Potter?"

"Nothing Malfoy." Harry snapped.

"Okay Draco, today were going to teach you about the televison!" Hermione said excitedly. "Now this Plasma is my father's pride and joy, so give me your wand." She held out her hand.

Draco reluctantly gave her his wand. "So what does this contraption do?"

"Were going to watch a horror movie." Hermione explained, "I assure you, nobody is inprisoned in here." She pressed the play button and the movie started. Draco stared at the screen; he was actually interested.

"Wow, Hermione he seems to be enjoying it." Harry acknowledged. But as the movie went on, Harry and Hermione noticed something. Draco seemed to think the people on the television could hear him.

When the two girls were talking to each other on the screen about who murdered their friend, Draco was frantic. "I know who did it, why won't you two listen to me! It was the guy in the mask!" He exclaimed.

Harry excused himself to the bathroom claiming he was going to _piss himself_. "Draco they can't-" She was cut off.

"Don't go in there!" Draco exclaimed, "he just went in there!"

"They can't-"

"Why are you going in there?" Draco yelled. He stood up from the couch and walked over to the television. "He has a knife, listen to me!" Unfortuantly the curious girl went to the closet, and the murderer jumped out at her and stabbed her.

"See I told you!" Draco yelled. "I told you not to go in there, so don't cry!"

Hermione shook her head, and a curious Harry appeared next to her.

"How dare you not listen to me, wait until my father hears about this!" Draco then did something Hermione was dreading. He pushed the television off the stand and it crashed to the ground. The screen went black and Draco smiled happily. "That'll teach you, now that i've destroyed your world!" Draco laughed.

Hermione and Harry watched in horror. "He's bloody mental." Harry mumbled.

Hermione realised teaching Draco Malfoy about muggle technology was going to make her either lose everything she owned; or her sanity.

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><p><em>Like I said this is a crack!fic <em>

_Any suggestion on what Draco should discover next? _


	3. Draco discovers Angry Birds

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. **

_No one suggested this, but I had to do it. Because, well, I am addicted to Angry Birds and I haven't slept well for awhile because of it. So here gose nothing : ) I'm not sure how the outcome of this is going to be. Draco **will **discover the internet... I just don't know if I want him to discover youtube or maybe even fanfiction? So tell me which one you think would be funnier. _

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><p><em>Draco discovers Angry BirdsIpad (or A.K.A the outcome Hermione Ron, and Harry didn't expect) _

"He destroyed your television?" Ron asked. Hermione nodded; Harry and Hermione decided to tell Ron about what they were trying to acomplish. Now the ginger wanted to see the next introduction for himself.

"I fixed it before my mum and dad arrived, luckily." Hermioned whispered. The three were huddled in the corner whispering; Draco was, once again, sitting on Hermione's sofa.

"Let's get this over with," Draco snapped at the three.

The trio turned around and Ron rolled his eyes. "Yeah let's get this over with. I can only stand being around the ferret for so long." He snapped. Hermione nudged Ron and grabbed a square looking object.

"It's an ipad; I'm going to teach you how to play Angry Birds." Hermione explained.

"Why are the birds angry?" Draco asked, confused.

"Because... the green pigs stole their eggs, so you have to kill the green pigs." Hermione added.

Draco looked at her looked at her like she just turned into a centaur. "Why can't I just use the killing curse-"

"Don't use the killing curse because, they aren't real; there is an easier, _much safer _way to kill the pigs. A way that dosen't get _me _in trouble." She snapped, pushing the object in Draco's hands.

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><p>This wasn't what they expected; they didn't expect it to go on for this long. Instead of mocking the game; Draco became obsessed. Screaming at the birds when they didn't fly properly, and sneering at the green pigs when they didn't die.<p>

Hermione was pleased.

"Good job Hermione." Ron praised; sneaking a peek at the blond on the sofa. "I didn't expect him to cooperate this good."

"Nor did I." Harry replied.

"This has been going on for hours, maybe he's actually okay with Mugg-"

They were cut off, with a scream of terror. Hermione, Ron, and Harry turned around. Draco was staring at the object in horror. "It shut off.. I don't understand- It just shut off." He stammared.

Hermione gulped. "Draco I-I think it died."

"No!" He screamed. "No-No make it live! Make it live!" He started shaking the object. "Live, Damn you, Live!"

"You've been playing for hours now." Hermione sighed.

Draco threw down the ipad. "I almost beat the blasted game!"

"We know that Dra-"

"It's those green pigs, I tell you. There after me now that I destroyed their relatives." Draco had an odd sort of glint in his eye; that him look like a maniac. "Well they won't be able to catch me!" He laughed.

Ron's face was turning redder then his hair as he tried not to laugh.

Draco turned around and ran out of the door. Ron burst out laughing when the door slammed shut. "Bloody hell!" He roared with laughter.

"I know I told you-" Harry choked out, laughing harder.

"Next time Hermione, remind to bring Fred and George." Ron snorted.

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><p><em>This took me awhile.<em>

_Sorry if isn't all that good, I'm a bit under the weather._

_Review! _

_Next Draco discover the internet. _


	4. Draco Malfoy discover the internet

**Disclaimer: Once again I don't own Harry Potter (Movies or books) Harry Potter is made my Goddess and yours, J.K Rowling**

_**This will be broken into two parts; the first part will be when he discovers Fanfiction... 2nd part is where he discovers Youtube (Maybe AVPM/AVPS, every heard of it?) **_

_**I've decided to break this up, because even I can only take so much crack in one chapter. That's saying a lot, because when it comes to Fanfiction I am a crack addict (Not literally). **_

_**I want to thank Kaley (Katniss Everdeen x) _For talking on the phone with me, while I viciously pound her (No Sexual meaning attended) with my rants. Also for humoring me while I tell her my ideas for a new chapters, the ideas she's heard a million time. Kaley you ARE the pimpcane to my Lucius, the Voldemort to my Bellatrix, and the Lucius to my Narcissa... and my Yaxley (All inside Jokes). _**_

_**_On with the chapter!_**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Cuatro<strong>_

_**Draco Malfoy discovers the internet (Part one: Fanfiction) **_

"Did you have to bring your brothers, Weasel?" Draco sneered. Ron had decided to bring his brothers Fred and George. Well actually he just asked George at first... or maybe it was Fred. Oh, who really knows?

"We came to see the show, right Georgie?" Fred said.

"Right you are Fred." George replied.

"I'd watch yourself, Malfoy, I have three more siblings," He smirked, "and my mum and dad."

"You better-" Malfoy was cut off short.

"Okay!" Hermione cut on, saving them from furthur confrontation. She knew where this led. She had been the cause of many (like A LOT) of Weasley and Malfoy fights. "How about we get started." She clapped her hands together.

"Five Galleons says Draco breaks something of Hermione's." She heard Harry mutter to the twins.

She turned around and shot him her best patronizing glare. "Harry James Potter!"

"Sorry..." Harry grumbled, rolling his eyes. Hermione turned back around.

"Your on." The twins chorused softly.

Hermione rolled her eyes and with a deep breath, and gained her composure, smiling. "Okay, so, today I will introduce you to the internet." She paused to let Draco ask questions.

Draco sighed feebly. "I'm done asking what things are, just surprise me."

Hermione looked taken aback. Usually Draco was so full of questions (or snide remarks, yeah mostly snide remarks) about what things were. Not that Hermione was devestated. She could survive not answering Draco's questions.

She guided the group the computer that was stationed on the desk. Draco slowly sit in the chair, confusion plastered on his face. Fred and George were looking at one another and smiled (Hermione was under the impression they had some unvoiced twin communacation).

Hermione turned on the computer and a screen popped up.

"Really Hermione, Justin Bieber?" Ron raised an eyebrow.

Hermione gasped; she hadn't realized the last time she was even on her computer, was when she had an undying love for Justin Bieber! She shook her head. "M-My cousins, must've- yeah."

"Can we just get this over with- I don't even know who Justin Beaver is..." Draco mumbled.

"He's been a bit moody since the _Angry Birds _incident." Ron filled George and Fred in.

"I have not!" Draco countered. "Those dumb pigs... I hate those dumb pigs."

Hermione got on the internet and typed in the only place she knew where to go. The place where she spent many sleepless nights writing and reading her beloved stories.

"Okay this is a place called Fanfiction." She explained. "We will read some stories that thousands of people, have written about us."

"But how do that many muggles even know about-" Harry tried to ask.

"Harry don't even ask. If I explain it will confuse a lot of people. It's an extremly long story; this story consists of whole other word you may not even know about. In plus, for all we know, we might not even be really doing this. We could be in a story written my an incredibly tired girl who is drinking Mountain Dew to stay awake, and who has a report due. Instead of doing that report she's writting this... because she really dosen't have a life. Also, she's an obsessive fangirl." Hermione rambled.

"Woah... deep." Harry said, mesmirized.

"It makes me think so much about life." Draco added.

"...am I even real?" Gasped Ron.

"Are we even real?" Fred and George asked, touching each other's face.

"Okay, since we had that nice little awkward moment," She chuckled, "back to buisness."

"Pick a charecter, or two, and read a story about them. It can be a romance story, a horror story, any genre." Hermione explained.

"Okay, I'll pick you Hermione." Draco said. He had quite a hard time moving the mouse, until Hermione offered to help him. "I'll also pick this M right here for rating. I'm pretty sure it stands for Malfoy, meaning a Malfoy would like it."

"Draco I wouldn't-"

"What's this?" Draco said amused.

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><p>The stood in complete awkward silence. If you tried hard enough you could probably hear a pen drop.<p>

"Hermione, you've been around the town." Fred spoke up.

"Yeah, you've been with virtually everyone... even the sorting hat!" George exclaimed.

"It's not really-"

"You've been with my mum Hermione, my mum!" Draco cried. "Why would you even do that?"

"Draco I havent really had sex with your mum." Hermione said exasperated.

"Don't even get me started about the things you did to You-Know-Who." Ron chuckled.

"You guys!" Hermione cried.

Harry smiled gently, "don't be upset that we're all normal, and you're not."

"Oh really?" Hermione chuckled. "You guys havent discovered Drarry, or Dramione, or twincest!"

"_Drarry?_" Draco cried, "that's me- me and... Potter!"

"Yep and Dramione is you and I!" Hermione smiled.

"So that means Twincest is George and I?" Fred asked.

"Yep." Hermione nodded.

"Well at least I-" Ron was quickly cut off my Hermione.

"Ronald, there are stories where you have sex with your sister!"

Everyone grew quiet. No one dared look at each other.

"This is awkward." Ron mumbled.

"The internet is scary." Draco agreed.

"Let's read some more!" Harry piped up. Everyone nodded in agreement and they whole day they read fanfiction. Proving that fanfiction was in fact very, _very, _addictive.

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><p><em><strong>The last part is pretty rushed : **_

_**Review Please? **_


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